By Sheri LeClair Banitt
Surprise endings are hard to manage. I have learned a few life lessons in a short period of time; not by choice but by chance, or fate, or maybe God’s will.
I have always known I am flexible, resilient and persistent. Now I have the proof. When my husband died unexpectedly during a medical procedure, I was left scrambling to hold on to my faith, my sense of safety and some kind of vision for the future. To anyone who is going through a hard time, my advice is to just lean in, feel it, and let it be. You will be different at the end of your journey and with more wisdom to share than you ever imagined.
2 years into my grief journey, I can add these to my resume:
1. Ability to survive husband’s unexpected death.
2. Learned to operate sump pump, pool pump, pressure washer, hedge trimmer, snow blower, electric drill, and change a leaking pipe under the sink.
3. Cared for 3 dogs and 4 cats on a 5am/5pm schedule while managing work and grief. Includes cat leg amputation and subsequent cat kidney failure death.
4. Managed finances, taxes and bathroom remodel with a loss of income.
5. 30-day prep for retirement.
6. New bathroom construction over the winter months.
7. Sold a truck and a car and purchased a new vehicle.
Today I am in my pajamas nursing a nasty head cold. This comes on the heels of a back injury that has changed my schedule for the last 6 weeks. I realize that my body is telling me what my heart has not been able to.
I miss my Bou. He’s been gone almost two years and tomorrow would be his 67th birthday. I was there to celebrate 47 of his birthdays and I really miss those days. He was a quiet, humble guy and never wanted much fuss made over him. But he loved his birthday dinner with cake and tequila shots!
I have made so much progress as I navigate life alone. But I have been pushing to keep all things the same while also doing new things and trying to stretch and grow. All the pressure I have put on myself to just be strong and keep going has left me with a cold and a backache. Keeping all things the same is not the same as it was when I had a full partner helping me with everything. It is time for me to let go once again and just be open for whatever comes next.
I am exhausted with decision fatigue. Managing the finances, the home improvements and buying a new vehicle are normal life pursuits, but it does hit differently when you are making the decisions without the input of your second half. I miss my husband and everything he brought into my life. I miss being loved and sharing all the experiences. Making room for emotions is not extra, it is the lifeline to good health and happiness.
So, I’m going to feel my feelings big and loud this week. I will likely shed some tears and have a couple of giggles thinking about other birthdays. Instead of spending all my time worrying if I am eating enough protein, working out enough, reaching out to friends and family, doing enough volunteer work and keeping busy, I will spend some time resting and thinking and making space for things that don’t even exist today.
Once again, grief is teaching me to adjust my expectations, to be more present and less focused on productivity. If you ask me how I’m doing, I will tell you that I am doing well; and I really am. But doing well in the midst of grief includes all the messy emotions and hard days as you learn to let go of a lifetime of love.
