themillennialboomer

Life Lessons in Grief

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

Surprise endings are hard to manage. I have learned a few life lessons in a short period of time; not by choice but by chance, or fate, or maybe God’s will.

I have always known I am flexible, resilient and persistent. Now I have the proof. When my husband died unexpectedly during a medical procedure, I was left scrambling to hold on to my faith, my sense of safety and some kind of vision for the future. To anyone who is going through a hard time, my advice is to just lean in, feel it, and let it be. You will be different at the end of your journey and with more wisdom to share than you ever imagined.

2 years into my grief journey, I can add these to my resume:

1. Ability to survive husband’s unexpected death.

2. Learned to operate sump pump, pool pump, pressure washer, hedge trimmer, snow blower, electric drill, and change a leaking pipe under the sink.

3. Cared for 3 dogs and 4 cats on a 5am/5pm schedule while managing work and grief. Includes cat leg amputation and subsequent cat kidney failure death.

4. Managed finances, taxes and bathroom remodel with a loss of income.

5. 30-day prep for retirement.

6. New bathroom construction over the winter months.

7. Sold a truck and a car and purchased a new vehicle.

Today I am in my pajamas nursing a nasty head cold. This comes on the heels of a back injury that has changed my schedule for the last 6 weeks. I realize that my body is telling me what my heart has not been able to.

I miss my Bou. He’s been gone almost two years and tomorrow would be his 67th birthday. I was there to celebrate 47 of his birthdays and I really miss those days. He was a quiet, humble guy and never wanted much fuss made over him. But he loved his birthday dinner with cake and tequila shots!

I have made so much progress as I navigate life alone. But I have been pushing to keep all things the same while also doing new things and trying to stretch and grow. All the pressure I have put on myself to just be strong and keep going has left me with a cold and a backache. Keeping all things the same is not the same as it was when I had a full partner helping me with everything. It is time for me to let go once again and just be open for whatever comes next.

I am exhausted with decision fatigue. Managing the finances, the home improvements and buying a new vehicle are normal life pursuits, but it does hit differently when you are making the decisions without the input of your second half. I miss my husband and everything he brought into my life. I miss being loved and sharing all the experiences. Making room for emotions is not extra, it is the lifeline to good health and happiness.

So, I’m going to feel my feelings big and loud this week. I will likely shed some tears and have a couple of giggles thinking about other birthdays. Instead of spending all my time worrying if I am eating enough protein, working out enough, reaching out to friends and family, doing enough volunteer work and keeping busy, I will spend some time resting and thinking and making space for things that don’t even exist today.

Once again, grief is teaching me to adjust my expectations, to be more present and less focused on productivity. If you ask me how I’m doing, I will tell you that I am doing well; and I really am. But doing well in the midst of grief includes all the messy emotions and hard days as you learn to let go of a lifetime of love.

Meet Remi – Feral Cat Now House Pet

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

Remi was born to one of the feral mommas in my community cat colony in April of 2020. His home was a plastic storage tub lined with reflective insulation and filled with straw, stuck in the lilac bushes.

He belonged to a spring litter from one of several unspayed females in the colony. It is interesting to watch how they are cared for by the mothers. They will steal from each other’s nests and care for any number of kittens of different sizes. Most of them were healthy and survived until we could intervene in about the 4th or 5th weeks of life. That is when they are old enough to eat food and the mothers begin moving them around and taking them hunting.

My husband would catch the kittens, and we put them in a tower cat cage in the house. We kept them warm, dry and started them on wet and dry cat food. They were hissy at first and missed the outdoors and their momma. But kittens this age assimilate into human life very quickly. Once they were eating and using the litter box well, we let them socialize freely in our house until new homes could be found.

Remi was the last of his litter to find a home. He had a cold and no one was interested in him. It took several weeks of intensive care before he was well enough to consider rehoming. By that time, we were in love with him, so we kept him.

The next year, we began to TNR (Trap, Neuter, and Release back where they came from). With the help of a local woman named Katie, whom I call Katie Rescue, we spayed six females that year. One of them was Remi’s sister. She still comes to the feed station intermittently. At six years old, that is a long life for a feral.

Though I lost my husband two years ago, I continue to care for the colony cats at our house. I do not own these cats and they are not tame. I feed them once daily and there are about 5-7 that I see consistently. I will continue to feed and TNR but my days of rescue and rehoming are done, (unless I accidentally capture a kitten or two).

Feral community cats are in every neighborhood. I encourage you to look for them. Feed and TNR if you are able, and by all means get your indoor pet cats spayed or neutered and vaccinated. Roaming pets contribute greatly to the feral cat communities.

Through the years, several of the kittens in our colony were placed with rescue organizations for rehoming. Please consider donating to and/or volunteering with a local rescue organization. This will help keep our neighborhoods free of sickly cats and dogs and will get them into safe and loving homes.

RemiScents – Supporting Community Cats

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

Today I have launched RemiScents. I will be selling handmade cat toys made with homegrown catnip, along with hats for cats and fun accessories. Remi came from the feral colony of cats in my neighborhood. The money made from this will help me feed and care for my local feral community cats.

Through the years with my husband’s help, I fed a migrant community of feral cats. Twice daily for many years, we greeted 5 black cats and 5 tortoise shell cats at the food pans in the bushes.

I lost my husband two years ago, but the community cats are still with me. I feed them once daily now and the colors have changed, but I still have one that we spayed 5 years ago, which is a long life for a feral cat.

I learned about feral cats while gardening. When I first discovered a little black kitten living under the hostas, I left food out for him. He was black, so we called him Midnight.

He stuck around all that first summer and showed up periodically over the following winter. When summer came, Midnight disappeared and a whole litter of kittens appeared under the hostas!

We left food out for the momma kitty, and eventually we were able to handle the kittens with momma nearby. Just as we were about to catch the whole bunch of them for rehoming, momma kitty disappeared and took all the kittens with her.

Year after year, kittens were born in the spring, and the challenge was to find them and rehome them before the momma cat took them and disappeared. Whenever we found them, the momma would move them to a new spot. She often put them under the prickly bush on top of a pile of rocks. This seemed too cold, so I went online to order a cat house where litters could live until they were old enough to rehome.

At the end of the order form, it said “personalize your house for no extra charge”. I didn’t have a particular cat’s name to put on the house, but my daughter had a great idea. And that is why the Halfway House is located in my lilac bushes.

There are two humane ways of controlling the feral cat population. One is by TNR – Trapping, Neutering and Returning them to where they were trapped. The other is trapping and euthanasia. Feral cats can have happy healthy lives outdoors after they are TNR’d. Since house cats can sneak outdoors, they should be vaccinated, spayed and neutered. Even a brief escape can produce kittens.

I still have a colony of several cats though I have rehomed over 30 kittens. There is no local support for managing them. I continue to feed them and TNR as many as possible in the spring. Once spayed or neutered, a notch is put in one of their ears while sedated so you can tell at a glance that they have been treated. Money I receive from selling RemiScents items will help me feed and TNR the cats in my colony.

The best place for a cat is indoors with a loving family.

Cats in Hats and Other Distractions

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

I could watch the news and learn about the Minnesotan who died in Kuwait. I could check the stock market and see the change since last week. I could peruse Face Book for updates on ICE and find out who is making protest hats. I could go to the gas station and see how much gas has gone up today. I could go on LinkedIn to hear more about AI. I could learn about fraud and Medicaid cuts. Or I could sit around and make hats for cats.

When there are so many issues to ponder and problems to solve, we have to choose where to put our attention and focus. Most folks I know are feeling unsure and unsettled with all the changes in the world right now. Yet we need to keep showing up with concern, empathy, resilience, and ready for action. We can do it; we are strong. But showing up takes lots of energy and we need to remember to recharge.

I have found that busy hands calm the mind. And what could be more calming than making hats for cats? If you think this is trivial, let me remind you:

Cats have been ignored by the fashion world for too long.
Cats need not worry, hats will always fit, no matter your weight.
Hats for cats are non-binary and can be worn without prejudice.
Purses can be made to compliment the cat hat and provide a good place to carry the catnip toys.

And seriously, we need to take time to smile and have fun. We need to be creative and joyful in the small things, so we have what it takes to manage the big things.

What are you doing to recharge?

Strong in Minnesota

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

What does it mean to be strong in Minnesota? It means so much more than it used to mean. It means that it is no longer enough to withstand the long, dark months of cold and snow in the winter. It means that in addition to the harsh weather, we must also guard our hearts from the danger of empathy fatigue and protect our innermost human thoughts and feelings from distortion and exploitation.

Gone are the days of bemoaning Cabin Fever, where winter temperatures are below zero with windchills in the negative 30-to-45-degree range. We no longer see this as the leading challenge. Schools are closed, cars won’t start, furnaces shut down, water lines break, people and animals experience frostbite within minutes of exposure to the elements and the sun disappears for days. More time is spent indoors watching television and perusing social media. And that leads us to where we are now, needing more strength than ever, just to get through each day.

There is no shortage of social/civil issues to contemplate. There are two very different explanations for the problems in Minnesota including rhetoric rife with buzzwords and emotional triggers designed to fuel anger, confusion and division. Minnesotans are called on to decide what is legal, illegal, or constitutional, and choose a side with the expectation that you are either right or wrong and will be judged now and in eternity.

The world is watching Minnesota to see our response to fraud, investigation, infiltration, coercion, and persecution. Very few Minnesotans are politicians or lawmakers but are yet held accountable to know and understand all the minutiae of the constitution and American history over the last 200 years.

Minnesotans are asked to take a stand now, in the public eye and declare to the world our values and beliefs. This can mean turning away from previously held views, it can mean walking away from family members, disagreeing with employers and those in power and becoming vulnerable in the most complete and frightening ways.

Being strong in Minnesota requires enough grit to endure the cold, harsh days of winter while simultaneously keeping hearts warm enough to care for all, kindness for the least of all, and room for collaboration and compromise with all. Strong in Minnesota includes hope and the belief that better days are coming.

Room for Change

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

As 2025 comes to an end, I am reflecting on all the changes for me since this time last year.

Christmas 2024 was the first year for our family without my husband of 43 years. We still celebrated, but it was subdued and while we missed him, we didn’t talk about him much. This year feels different. Grief is with us, but so is joy and laughter.

2025 held many challenges for me, some more serious than others. I learned about grieving a lost loved one as well as a job lost to retirement. I have transitioned to independence and a slower pace. Above all, I have learned to let go of old expectations and make room for change. You really cannot move forward without leaving some things behind.

I will always grieve the loss of my husband, though it is consuming less of my daily focus. At first, I thought I would always grieve leaving the workplace. I truly loved my job, my employer, the people I worked with and the mission we were on, so it was hard to walk away. It was absolutely the right time and the right thing for me. Just five months into retirement I feel calm and at peace.

Corporate culture is win/lose, no matter how the story is spun or what label is put on it. Capitalism demands that everyone competes, even when that means some will profit and some will not. As the world recovers from the Covid 19 pandemic and steps into the lure of AI, corporations are operating in fear mode.

The race to utilize AI is all consuming and policies are written with that in mind. I have seen an increase in focus on mental health resources, emphasis on diversity, equity and inclusion as well as support for young professionals. I have seen older employees retiring in droves under the age of 65 as work has become more progressive, more demanding and less appreciative of knowledge gained by experience.

To be sure, AI is coming to all aspects of our lives, not just the workplace. I support provision of mental health resources and align with support for diversity, equity and inclusion and young professionals. I do wonder how all these young people in the workplace will fare with policies that support their well-being and work that does not.

With the emphasis on doing more, better and faster with less effort, people from management to entry level are afraid of losing their jobs. So, they get on board the frenzy and try to find ways to use AI while supporting all the other corporate initiatives. They’re on social media and posting about their good works, using AI bots to brag about it. They talk about good leadership as though humans are infallible. No one is teaching people how to talk to each other to resolve differences. Instead, AI bots are used to send emails and create internal communications. This may save time, and seems professional, but in my experience, using a digital entity to manage human behavior and emotions is taking a toll on the mental health of those in the workforce. People are often suspicious of true motives and mistrust what they see and read.

Getting out of the corporate world has given me a clearer vision of my purpose and how I can fit into a changing world. After working more than thirty years, I am able to use my savings to live a simple life. I can contribute to the world in creative ways that benefit individuals and me. I am no longer in a race to be better, smarter, leaner and more efficient than my colleagues.

I have let go of many expectations that are no longer valid for me. I will not reach my eighties with my husband. I will not continue working until I am 67. I will not share the responsibilities of home and family with a longtime partner. Mourning the loss of these things, confirms their value and reinforces my thankfulness for having had a wonderful husband and a job I loved.

Going into the new year, I will have neither a husband nor a job and I’m okay with that. I have lovely memories with an open heart and mind for new things to treasure. I will remember that good relationships and endeavors take time to find, build and grow. My age gives me the unique advantage of knowing the old ways, before computers, and living the new ways of technology. I can recognize the good and bad parts of each time and connect the dots to either avoid or encourage outcomes.

For the younger folks, and those dependent on employment, I recommend using your time away from work to reflect on what is important to you. As the world continues to change at a rapid pace, you will need to let go of expectations that no longer fit your current situation. When you do that, you make room for change, and that is where your genius and your happiness will be found.

Christmas Prep Another Day

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

Surprise endings are hard to manage, but I have always been flexible, resilient and persistent. To anyone who is going through a hard time, my advice is to just lean in, feel it, let it be, and this too shall pass. You will be different at the end of your journey with wisdom to share.

On the 3rd of December, it is snowy and cold in Minnesota. That is nothing new. What is new for me is that I am a RECENT WIDOW and now RETIRED with many hours to fill.

While most people are prepping for Christmas, I am in a holding mode for now. Here are the challenges I am facing.

Waiting for a home remodel project to begin any day that involves much de-construction, dust and commotion.
Providing foster care for a 14-week-old kitten who thinks I’m his momma. he follows me everywhere and has learned how to start the dust buster.
Family situations have changed, and I will not be hosting large numbers this holiday.

Today, I want to be positive and productive, so I planned my day accordingly. Instead of baking or decorating the house, I used my little electric snowblower to clear the backyard pathways for the shivering dogs to do their business. The snow is still fluffy and sparkly, and it felt good to be out in the crisp air moving around. I have a service to do the driveway and front walk because a little of this goes a long way.

I thought about going shopping and remembered something I heard on a Tik Tok: “You don’t need stuff, you’re just bored”. Seems spot on. Decided to organize the pantry instead and came across some Almond Butter and Peanut Butter. Great day to do a taste test. They are both delicious, both produced in the United States, and both provide protein and healthy fats and minerals. I wonder how long it will take me to eat all this butter.

For the afternoon, I have planned to go to the Fitness Center for a workout, followed by other indoor activities. I will likely do some laundry, vacuuming and work on a small crochet project.

These quiet slow days of retirement leave me a bit unsettled, but I am enjoying this time while I think about what will come next. After more than 30 years of working and 43 years of marriage, I do not want to rush into any new commitments. Rather I am enjoying just being a human and visiting with family. I have more time to make new friends and reconnect with old ones.

Christmas will come whether I bake and decorate or not. So, I will remember the words of the poem How the Grinch Stole Christmas written by Dr. Suess, when the Grinch realized that “Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more”.

Enjoy your day!

Exercise to Overcome Grief

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

Most of the cliches I have heard about grief and grieving are true. Some are misleading and some are just disappointing. Like, “Time heals all wounds”. That is not what we want to hear when we are hurting; we want healing now. The closest thing I have found to instant healing is exercise.

I lost my husband of 43 years in June of 2024. That October I joined our local Snap Fitness gym and signed up with a personal trainer. I was grasping for something to keep my mind off my loss and improve my health. I did two, one-hour sessions each week. Those first weeks were difficult. I had been sedentary and worked at a desk for 30 years, so I had to relearn how to move and use my body. https://www.snapfitness.com/us

In the beginning, I was sore and tired and not always able to do what I wanted. That is where it was good to have a trainer. He never got discouraged, never criticized and never lost faith that I could do it. I remember doing strength work on the machines and looking at the illustrations showing the muscle groups that would be activated. I was not feeling it in those target groups because I was tense, confused and not breathing deeply. Often, I felt strain in my neck or gritted my teeth. Nonetheless, at the end of every session, I felt good, even when I was bone tired. I would walk out feeling accomplished and a little less focused on my loss.

After a couple months of working out, I joined a wonderful group called GriefShare that was led by people in my local community who have also experienced the loss of a loved one. It was helpful to meet with others, talk about our experiences, learn what to expect, and what is normal as we move through the grief journey. https://www.griefshare.org/

Over the next year, I continued to learn about my grief and work out a couple times weekly. I began to notice I had better balance and more strength when doing yard chores and household work. That was much appreciated as a new widow learning to manage many things my husband used to do. Each time a I had to try something new, I had the courage to start. I don’t think I would have felt that confidence without the body work I was doing. While I still have work to do, and want to get to a healthier weight, I have already lost 12 pounds without changing my diet and dropped a size. After losing a loved one, life can feel scary and unpredictable. Doing the exercise gave me a sense of control, at least for that time in the gym.

Recently, I was feeling so good, that I signed up for an 8-week group workout challenge. Oof. It was a challenge. I learned stretching, cardio, and deadlifting. I began to stretch and strengthen my neck, back and shoulders by doing some back lifting. At first, I could not even do the exercises because my brain lacked the sequencing needed to match the movement. It was so great when one of my workout buddies told me, ” I cried sometimes when I could not do this a year ago. But now I feel very comfortable and can do all the Pilates and I’m getting stronger”. I had to do some of the lifts with just the bar and no weight until I could do the movement with the correct form. I made slow progress, but I left each session feeling happy, tired, sore, and in control.

Life has continued to surprise me with challenges. A change at work prompted me to retire in August. The day after my retirement celebration, my mom fell at home and broke her wrist and hip. That was the beginning of two months of rehab for her and me caring for my dad while he was on his own at the senior living community where they live. While I craved a consistent schedule to mimic the work hours I was used to, I could not do that because I was needed to help at odd hours. But I could still exercise, because Snap Fitness is open 24/7. My workout routine was not as often as I wanted it to be and sometimes not as intense as I intended, but I kept doing it. I love walking into the gym and seeing familiar fixtures and faces. I have made new friends at a time when I needed connection. In working through grief, loss, life and exercise, I have found that sometimes the steps are smaller and the progress slower than you wish, but the movement forward is what is most important.

I am going to continue to move forward because I am stronger, healthier and ready for the next chapter as I manage big emotions.

P.S. Now I can feel the burn in all the right muscle groups, and I have added weights as well as gained more flexibility.

Lace Crochet

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

I remember working on this lace tablecloth in the mid to late 1990s, a time when I was working and raising two young girls. I had made one in the Queen Anne’s lace pattern for my grandma and a different pattern for my mom. This tablecloth was going to be for me. It was size 20 cotton and a size 1 hook. Once you know the pattern, it is a mindless distraction while you watch television or during any seated delay like a doctor’s waiting room.

I pulled it out of a drawer today and wondered what stopped me from finishing it. It measures 50″ x 30″ now. When I saw the coffee stains, I realized they were the showstopper. I must’ve put it aside thinking I would soak out the stains another day. And here we are. Another day, thirty some years later.

Moving an unfinished project from here to there for thirty years seems a bit lazy. But crafters know the toll lace crochet takes on hands and fingers. For me, keeping this one was more like an exercise of hope and optimism. Surely the day would come when I had time to fix and finish this piece.

Today is the day. But as with the passing of time, comes the wisdom of age. I am no longer the young woman who started this piece and my hands and arms boast arthritis as testament to my past fervor. Anything I make now must have clear and finite rules for utilization and completion.

I will wash and remove the coffee stains, and this dresser scarf will be finished!

The Second Goodbye

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

The first goodbye was the day he died. My husband’s death took us by surprise when he passed away during a medical procedure. He was a long-time smoker, and it was discovered during a bronchoscopy that he had lung cancer. The cancer burst an artery, and the bleeding could not be stopped; he died quickly. I travelled an hour to the hospital to identify his body and say goodbye. It was traumatic and I felt robbed of the chance to really speak my love, loyalty, apologies and gratitude for all the years together.

I spent the next days, months, and year working through my grief and purging his things that I would no longer need or use. I saved some of the special clothes, his lunchbox, his work boots and jacket. I gave some things to family, donated what I could and threw out some things, like small tools, random nails and screws, bits of wood and such that he would never get around to using.

I kept his truck. It held so many memories of him and happy times. He was man who loved his truck, and he always had one. He used it to haul horses, go hunting and run dogs, drive through heavy snowfalls and move loved ones from place to place as needed. He always listened to KQ radio and had many CDs in that old truck. And of course, anywhere he was, you could find Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers; lots of them.

So many conversations were had in his truck and past pickups that he owned. We rode in Big Red from his funeral to the burial. You could not think of him without the image of him in the truck with a cap on and eating candy.

When I sold the truck today, it was the second goodbye. Another hard milestone where I felt cheated of the chance for a face-to-face discussion. But life goes on, and now someone else can love that old truck. I said goodbye to the living proof that he was here and now I will rely on the pictures in my mind and my heart.

The third goodbye will be when I sell the home we shared for 31 years. But I’m not going anywhere yet, I’m not ready to meet that milestone.