The River Walk has been a repeating theme on my blog. This is because I have been working from home since March 2020 due to the covid 19 pandemic. I have replaced the 45-minute commute to and from work with two walks along the river instead.
I’m thankful to be working from home. Even so, it’s not easy. I lead a large customer service team with a fast-paced workload and a changing daily volume of work. In order to be successful as a team, I need to be successful as a leader. This takes extra care when working remotely. I have to understand what everyone is doing, how they’re feeling about it and make sure that everything is getting done. The emotional work is harder when you can’t see each other in person, face to face.
I love my job and I’m good at it. I think it’s because I’ve spent a lifetime caring for and about other people. My greatest talent is generating enthusiasm and cultivating pride of accomplishment. I lead from behind, and most people don’t even realize my input. It’s my calling, it’s what I do, I can’t not do this. I love having my team in the spotlight, I love seeing them succeed. And I hate being in the spotlight, though I do want to succeed. It is the fear of judgement that keeps me in the shadows.
I’ve spent my life striving for more; always wanting to do better and be better. I have compared myself to everyone I meet and always find myself wanting. I’m not as smart, not as educated, don’t work for any worthy cause, haven’t suffered enough, haven’t overcome enough, don’t have as much money, not as thin, not as good-looking, don’t have as many friends. These are the thoughts that propel me to work harder, study more, do more, be more. It’s like walking uphill and never reaching the top.
I’ve done many things, but never achieved the expert status I’ve been looking for. There is always someone doing it better. There is always another book, another talk show, another podcast with all the secrets to being best.
The new pace of the pandemic has given me time to slow down and reflect. Looking back, I realize that while striving for something else, I have missed many wonderful things within my reach, like the River Walk.
This path has been just outside my door for 27 years and I’ve never appreciated it. People travel from miles away to walk the trails that pass by the meeting of the Big Cannon and the Little Cannon rivers. There is nature and wildlife for miles within steps from my home. Since March, I have discovered the seasons in ways I haven’t seen since childhood. I have been out walking in sunshine and rain, heat and cold, humidity and dry winds. I have seen birds and fish and dogs with their people out enjoying the world without words, without conversation, without judgement. It’s given me time to think about the people and places I have taken for granted and never really appreciated. I wish I could go back in time and do some things over. I would do them better, that’s for sure.
And now the world is changing. As the airlines and internet have brought us closer, the human condition has pushed us apart. We are mortal and subject to disease, illness and death. For most of us, the reality of this pandemic is the first time we’ve had to face our fragility. In order to keep others safe, we’ve had to give up some freedom. We’re staying home, keeping apart, wearing masks to avoid sharing our breath, and thereby our germs with each other. We’re not used to depending on ourselves for schooling, food, entertainment, and worship. In these most trying times, it is clear that we need each other to survive, even with opposing political views, lifestyles and ideology. The sudden change of routines has left many feeling isolated and vulnerable. Some have fallen to despair and depression.
While I have moments of both, I choose to re-imagine…me. What if I am complete? What if I am enough? What if I stop striving and start living? This thinking has energized me in a way nothing else has. I am giving myself permission to be me. I am going to do the things I want to do in the way I want to do them. I don’t have to consult the experts – I am the expert. If you can do something better than me, good for you. I will cheer you on and applaud your success; that is my calling and it gives me joy.
But for me, I am going to enjoy myself without words, without conversation, without judgement. I am going to be me in the way only I can. I am going to walk the seasons with the river. There will be sunshine and rain, heat and cold, humidity and dry winds. I will take my place in humanity without apology or arrogance. And it will be enough. And I will let it be.
Finally had a chance to read this. It sounds like you have been very introspective this past year. I’m sure many others have as well, as the pandemic has changed so many of our daily routines. One line stood out to me – “It’s like walking uphill and never reaching the top.” Hollywood is filled with broken, disillusioned people who have reached the top, only to find out the horrifying reality that there is NOTHING THERE! I think your conclusions and resolve to “stop striving and start living” will lead to the peace and contentment that you are looking for. I enjoyed this one.