By Sheri LeClair Banitt
Two years ago, I lost my husband of 43 years. It seems like yesterday and long ago at the same time. I was 62 when he died and still working. I leaned into work to help combat the confusion, frustration and loneliness of widowhood. One year later, my job changed, and I retired.
Retiring while freshly grieving has been challenging on many levels. I am still working to reinvent myself and fill my time. People have suggested that I get a job “I really love” or do some volunteer work. I had a job I really loved. I loved it because of the years I put into it and the expertise I had gained. A new job would require more effort than I want to put in at age 64. Neither do I want to rush to volunteer indiscriminately. The way I spend my time now will direct my future, so I want to be mindful of how I align my time, skills, and talents.
I’ve had to change my expectations of Retirement and the Golden Years now that I am single. Further, I’ve realized I have to take an active part in staying active. Aging is not easy. Widowhood is not easy. Retirement is not easy. Yet, if we do it right, we can find joy as we cultivate the wisdom we’ve gained over time.
While employed, I worked 40-60 hours a week, read books, did gardening, needle crafts and entertained without missing a beat. Now I do all of those same things without a spouse and without a job. I have so much more time and so few requirements and deliverables. It can be unsettling to realize you are the master of ALL your time. It has taken a year of retirement to slow me down to a normal, humanly sustainable pace.
The art of doing nothing is nothing more than living through time. This is different than being efficient or productive. It is being mindfully in each moment without wondering what is next or agonizing about what happened before. Sounds easy, but it takes some getting used to after a lifetime of raising kids, having a career, stabilizing a marriage, etc., etc.
Here’s some tips on how I do it:
- No alarm clocks – sleep until you wake up. Schedule things later than your usual wake up time.
- Take a nap if you need it. Go to bed when you’re tired.
- Stay in touch with the important people in your life – make the first move.
- Schedule a recurring coffee/lunch/dinner date with someone you like.
- Do something new weekly and take time to do nothing each day. Sitting with your own thoughts and no external input provides clarity on what is important to you.
- Read for fun, watch movies and TV shows, listen to podcasts. These were made to be enjoyed.
- Work on hobbies as much as you like. Learn new ones and share yours with others.
- Go for walks or sit outside. The sights and sounds of nature soothe the soul like nothing else can.
- Make time for exercise and preventive health care.
- Sing. Dance. Worship. Meditate. Share what makes you happy with someone who needs it.
- Cook from scratch. Use a cookbook, a recipe, a real oven and invite someone to share what you’ve made.
- Count your blessings every day and let people around you know how thankful you are for them.
I find that the more time I have, the less I do, but everything I do is meaningful, and I appreciate just being alive. I have worked for more than 30 years, I was married for 43 years, I raised two kids and spent many hours volunteering. This is my time to do me and while I’m still figuring it out, it is good and I feel good about doing Nothing.