Tag: #grief#overcomingloss

Navigating Grief: Lessons from Loss and Healing

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

I have been reflecting on the past year and decided to log my findings.

Big life events that happened:

  1. Husband hospitalized in April
  2. Moved parents to senior living in May.
  3. Husband died in June unexpectedly during a medical test while I was at work.
  4. Life stopped and changed course in a day, without notice.

Prior to June 5,2024, life was difficult, but normal. It was difficult because we were trying to work, pay bills, and settle my parents while his health was declining. He had been diagnosed with COPD two years prior. We knew he was sick. He was on many medications and oxygen at night. Even so, he continued to go to work every day and give it his all. He declined all urgings to stop smoking. He went to the doctor reluctantly and never soon enough. He was stubborn, so I mistook his behavior for rebellion or defiance or something I was never quite sure of.

In truth, my husband was addicted to tobacco and was never able to quit it for long. Though he went to work and looked normal, his cognition was declining due to lack of oxygen. All the meds kept him in a “normal range”, but took a toll on his heart and breathing was not easy. I have learned that it is common with COPD to become depressed. So, he went to the hospital for testing and told me not to come in because we could talk about it later. He died while I was working and during a medical test where they discovered he had very extensive and late-stage cancer in both lungs. I think he knew what they were looking for and didn’t want to tell me on the phone but planned to tell me when I came in to see him after the test.

I celebrated our 43rd anniversary alone the next day. We planned the funeral and went through all the steps of closure: visitation, funeral, thank you cards, gravestone, paperwork. Many things I don’t remember, but many things I do. Most memorable are the people who came to support me in my grief. I know that this outpouring of love and care for both of us was pivotal in my ability to get through the hardest days of my life.

Goodbye to these things from 2024.

  1. Regret and guilt for things left undone and unsaid along with other things said and done.
  2. Worry about appearances and what others may think.
  3. Withholding honest communication when there is something to be gained in speaking it.

Hello to 2025 and new behaviors.

  1. Taking time for me first.
  2. Making work/life balance a priority and not just a good idea.
  3. Reaching out to others when I need help, and when they do too.
  4. Appreciating every blessing every day and living with joy and thankfulness.

The First Thanksgiving

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

Six months since I lost my husband. Six months of learning to do everything on my own. Paying the bills, yard work, pool care, dog duty, cat care, solo events, morning coffee, evening shows, bedtime. Washing windows, furnace upkeep, sump pump, dehumidifier, car maintenance, grocery shopping, sidewalk shoveling, clearing the driveway, church. And now a big holiday.

We have hosted Thanksgiving for most of the last twenty years. We work well together and are able to accommodate many people in our small house because of love and organization. Today is no different. It is still our house. It is organized. It is full of love. But it is missing my love. My partner. My Bou. We are now me. I am me and you are memory.

That is what loss is really about. It is hyper focus on self and situation. The loss is felt daily in the practical activities that are now left undone by the missing one. The feelings of loss come with the reality of doing things alone, depending on oneself and then allowing others to help. Asking for help and paying for services that used to come free from the one you trusted.

Letting go of what you thought would happen and what used to happen and what could have happened becomes a daily exercise in choices. You can choose anxiety, anger and fear, or you can choose peace, calm and acceptance.

I choose peace, knowing that he is okay, and I am okay. I choose calm, knowing that I am not alone, leaning on family, friends and kind strangers who want to help. I choose acceptance, knowing that I can move forward and embrace new ways of being in the world.

I am letting go and letting it be. I do not need to know what is next to enjoy what is now.

Happy Thanksgiving – enjoy your blessings!

Experimenting

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

Now four months since my husband’s death and some things are getting easier, some things are still hard, and new things are hard. All the cliches are true. You just cannot imagine or plan for all the ways loss hits you.

There are many days where I still cannot believe this happened. Then days where the reality of forever hits like a brick. This is a status I did not choose and do not enjoy. I loved my husband, and I loved being married to him.

So, life goes on and so do I. I have many middle-class safety nets to support me on this journey. I am not a rich widow, but I have enough to live. I have a great job with benefits, a home, and means to pay my basic bills. These things give me the luxury to indulge when I feel weak and need to just be still and breathe.

Family and friends have supported me in ways that truly surprise and delight me. Regardless of the turmoil in our world and political climate, people still rise up to help and care for each other. Many casual acquaintances have lifted me up with a word or smile when I needed it.

I have begun to look outside my old normal to see what could become the new normal of my choosing. With my whole life in flux, it is a great time to experiment with new ideas, new activities and new connections.

Today I joined a gym and signed up with a trainer. I am looking forward to spending some energy on my wellbeing. I think this will help restore my feeling of control about my life. Hoping to move actively into winter without fear of slipping on ice or just getting more sedentary trying to avoid it.

Family, Friends and Others

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

1981

I am loved, and thankful for it. Today was a hard day. Not only Patriot Day, but my birthday as well. I can’t think of any time when I wasn’t greeted with coffee and breakfast on my birthday. Sometimes flowers, sometimes a gift, sometimes a card, but always ‘eggs with a smile’. My husband was a man of few words and many kind gestures. On my birthday, he made me feel special.

2024

Today I missed my cheerleader and my birthday breakfast. Losing my partner of 43 years so suddenly has turned my world upside down and shaken my confidence. I worry about things I never thought about before. I wonder what the future will bring and have irrational moments of panic late in the night.

So, thank you to all the ones who showed up for me today with a hug, a smile, a birthday greeting, or a bit of chit chat. I needed some extra love, and I felt the good vibes. Your kind attention eased the pain of my loss and helped patch my broken heart with hope.

Finding Forever 2

By Sheri LeClair Banitt

The visitation, funeral, burial are done. The thank you cards have been sent. The fresh flowers are gone. I went back to work and now I am thinking deep thoughts.

Jeff was a long-time smoker. He was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema about 18 months ago when he had an exacerbation that landed him in the ICU for 11 days. That was not enough to make him quit smoking.

Looking back, I see that he was in much more serious condition from that time forward. But when living day to day with his stubborn and strong will to be normal, we just didn’t get it. Had I known we were on a timer, I would have done some things differently. But I see that we were saying our goodbyes in all the little ways that a restricting illness presents.

I began doing more and more of the chores and he rested more. He was on oxygen overnight and many other medications. It took all he had to go to work each day. His job was not easy, but he loved working and kept it up to the end.

We stayed home more; we were less active around the house and yard. We sat together and just enjoyed television, or visiting with our kids, or snuggling our dogs and cats. That was love. Forgiving, accepting, constant and true.

As I move forward, I see that I am already used to doing many things on my own. This makes me sad, and I know that one more day or month, or year, or decade would not be enough to satisfy the yearning for more time. We had our forever and it was good. I am sad that he cannot join me in my next forever, but I know we did our best and I have no regrets.